65 W C Fields Quotes On Success In Life

William Claude Dukenfield better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler, and writer. Fields’ comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his supposed contempt for children and dogs. These W C Fields quotes will motivate you.

Best W C Fields Quotes

1. “I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.” ~ W. C. Fields
2. “You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that’s enough to make a decent living.” ~ W. C. Fields
3. “I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.” ~ W. C. Fields
4. “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.” ~ W. C. Fields
5. “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” ~ W. C. Fields
6. “I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.” ~ W. C. Fields

7. “Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.” ~ W. C. Fields

8. “Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.” ~ W. C. Fields
9. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~ W. C. Fields
10. “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.” ~ W. C. Fields
11. “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.” ~ W. C. Fields
12. “Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.” ~ W. C. Fields
13. “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” ~ W. C. Fields

14. “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” ~ W. C. Fields

15. “Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.” ~ W. C. Fields
16. “There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.” ~ W C Fields Quotes
17. “I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand, I don’t drink any less either.” ~ W. C. Fields
18. “I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.” ~ W. C. Fields
19. “Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.” ~ W. C. Fields
20. “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” ~ W. C. Fields

21. “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W. C. Fields

22. “Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.” ~ W. C. Fields
23. “Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.” ~ W. C. Fields
24. “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” ~ W. C. Fields
25. “Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.” ~ W. C. Fields
26. “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” ~ W. C. Fields
27. “Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.” ~ W. C. Fields
28. “When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.” ~ W. C. Fields

29. “I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?” ~ W. C. Fields

30. “Prayers never bring anything… They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened, it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas” ~ W. C. Fields
31. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ W. C. Fields
32. “Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.” ~ W. C. Fields
33. “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” ~ W. C. Fields
34. “No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.” ~ W. C. Fields
35. “The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.” ~ W. C. Fields
36. “A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.” ~ W. C. Fields

37. “When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.” ~ W. C. Fields

38. “Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.” ~ W. C. Fields
39. “Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.” ~ W. C. Fields
40. “If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.” ~ W. C. Fields
41. “First-prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.” ~ W. C. Fields
42. “This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.” ~ W. C. Fields
43. “There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.” ~ W. C. Fields
44. “I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.” ~ W. C. Fields
45. “I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” ~ W. C. Fields
46. “The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.” ~ W. C. Fields

47. “The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.” ~ W. C. Fields

48. “Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.” ~ W. C. Fields
49. “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.” ~ W. C. Fields
50. “Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it… Get plenty of sleep.” ~ W C Fields Quotes
51. “I like children. If they’re properly cooked.” ~ W. C. Fields
52. “I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.” ~ W. C. Fields
53. “Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” ~ W. C. Fields
54. “Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.” ~ W. C. Fields
55. “The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.” ~ W. C. Fields

56. “I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.” ~ W. C. Fields

57. “The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.” ~ W. C. Fields
58. “I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine” ~ W. C. Fields
59. “A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.” ~ W. C. Fields
60. “I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.” ~ W. C. Fields
61. “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” ~ W. C. Fields
62. “I never eat before breakfast.” ~ W. C. Fields
63. “I drink with impunity…or anyone else who invites me.” ~ W. C. Fields
64. “I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).” ~ W. C. Fields
65. “I drink therefore I am.” ~ W. C. Fields

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