65 W C Fields Quotes On Success In Life

William Claude Dukenfield better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler, and writer. Fields’ comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his supposed contempt for children and dogs. These W C Fields quotes will motivate you.

Best W C Fields Quotes

  1. “I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.” ~ W. C. Fields
  2. “You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that’s enough to make a decent living.” ~ W. C. Fields
  3. “I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.” ~ W. C. Fields
  4. “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.” ~ W. C. Fields
  5. “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” ~ W. C. Fields
  6. “I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.” ~ W. C. Fields
  7. “Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.” ~ W. C. Fields

  8. “Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.” ~ W. C. Fields
  9. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~ W. C. Fields
  10. “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.” ~ W. C. Fields
  11. “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.” ~ W. C. Fields
  12. “Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.” ~ W. C. Fields
  13. “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” ~ W. C. Fields
  14. “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” ~ W. C. Fields

  15. “Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.” ~ W. C. Fields
  16. “There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.” ~ W C Fields Quotes
  17. “I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand, I don’t drink any less either.” ~ W. C. Fields
  18. “I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.” ~ W. C. Fields
  19. “Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.” ~ W. C. Fields
  20. “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” ~ W. C. Fields
  21. “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” ~ W. C. Fields

  22. “Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.” ~ W. C. Fields
  23. “Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.” ~ W. C. Fields
  24. “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” ~ W. C. Fields
  25. “Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.” ~ W. C. Fields
  26. “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” ~ W. C. Fields
  27. “Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.” ~ W. C. Fields
  28. “When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.” ~ W. C. Fields
  29. “I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?” ~ W. C. Fields

  30. “Prayers never bring anything… They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened, it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas” ~ W. C. Fields
  31. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ W. C. Fields
  32. “Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.” ~ W. C. Fields
  33. “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” ~ W. C. Fields
  34. “No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.” ~ W. C. Fields
  35. “The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.” ~ W. C. Fields
  36. “A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.” ~ W. C. Fields
  37. “When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.” ~ W. C. Fields

  38. “Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.” ~ W. C. Fields
  39. “Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.” ~ W. C. Fields
  40. “If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.” ~ W. C. Fields
  41. “First-prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.” ~ W. C. Fields
  42. “This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.” ~ W. C. Fields
  43. “There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.” ~ W. C. Fields
  44. “I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.” ~ W. C. Fields
  45. “I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” ~ W. C. Fields
  46. “The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.” ~ W. C. Fields
  47. “The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.” ~ W. C. Fields

  48. “Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.” ~ W. C. Fields
  49. “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.” ~ W. C. Fields
  50. “Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it… Get plenty of sleep.” ~ W C Fields Quotes
  51. “I like children. If they’re properly cooked.” ~ W. C. Fields
  52. “I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.” ~ W. C. Fields
  53. “Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” ~ W. C. Fields
  54. “Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.” ~ W. C. Fields
  55. “The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.” ~ W. C. Fields
  56. “I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.” ~ W. C. Fields

  57. “The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.” ~ W. C. Fields
  58. “I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine” ~ W. C. Fields
  59. “A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.” ~ W. C. Fields
  60. “I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.” ~ W. C. Fields
  61. “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” ~ W. C. Fields
  62. “I never eat before breakfast.” ~ W. C. Fields
  63. “I drink with impunity…or anyone else who invites me.” ~ W. C. Fields
  64. “I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).” ~ W. C. Fields
  65. “I drink therefore I am.” ~ W. C. Fields

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