65 Funny Quotes On Success In Life

These funny quotes will inspire you.

Below you will find a collection of motivating, happy, and encouraging funny quotes, funny sayings, and funny proverbs.

Best Funny Quotes

1. “If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!” ~ Mae West
2. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” ~ Vince Lombardi , Funny quotes about work
3. “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” ~ Erica Jong

4. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas A. Edison

5. “He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” ~ Winston Churchill
6. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” ~ Elayne Boosler
7. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” ~ Emo Philips

8. “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” ~ Oscar Wilde

9. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” ~ Oscar Wilde
10. “If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.” ~ Doug Larson
11. “‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?” ~ George Carlin

12. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Isaac Asimov

13. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” ~ Buddy Hackett
14. “Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.” ~ Buster Keaton
15. “Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.” ~ Thomas Huxley

16. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple

17. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” ~ Frank Sinatra
18. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.'” ~ Tommy Cooper
19. “Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.” ~ Channing Tatum , Funny quotes about life

20. “Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” ~ Henry Ford

21. “A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” ~ George Bernard Shaw
22. “Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” ~ Joey Adams
23. “Never mistake motion for action.” ~ Ernest Hemingway

24. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” ~ Will Rogers

25. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ~ George Carlin
26. “For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it.” ~ Karl Lagerfeld
27. “As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” ~ John Glenn

28. “Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.” ~ Voltaire

29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ~ Bob Hope
30. “Being bored is an insult to oneself.” ~ Jules Renard
31. “There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there.” ~ Colonel Sanders

32. “As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.” ~ Dick Cavett

33. “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” ~ George Burns
34. “Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams
35. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” ~ Robert Frost

36. “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” ~ Albert Einstein

37. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ~ Edmund Burke
38. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” ~ Groucho Marx
39. “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment” ~ Betty White

40. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” ~ George Carlin

41. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor , Funny quotes about marriage
42. “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” ~ Mel Brooks
43. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” ~ Denis Waitley

44. “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.” ~ Sam Levenson

45. “Happiness is good health and a bad memory.” ~ Ingrid Bergman
46. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
47. “Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.” ~ Woody Allen

48. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ~ Norman Wisdom

49. “Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.” ~ H. G. Wells
50. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ~ Albert Einstein
51. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” ~ Mark Twain

52. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” ~ Mark Twain

53. “Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” ~ Carl Jung
54. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” ~ Al McGuire , Funny quotes on life
55. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” ~ Timothy Leary

56. “When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight.” ~ John Major

57. “Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” ~ Robert Orben
58. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” ~ Steven Wright
59. “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” ~ Tom Clancy

60. “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” ~ Bertrand Russell

61. “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” ~ Winston Churchill
62. “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” ~ Jack Lemmon

63. “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” ~ Derek Bok

64. “Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.” ~ H. L. Mencken
65. “Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.” ~ Irving Kristol

Comment Your Favorite Funny Quotes Below!