65 Funny Quotes On Success In Life

These funny quotes will inspire you.

Below you will find a collection of motivating, happy, and encouraging funny quotes, funny sayings, and funny proverbs.

Best Funny Quotes

  1. “If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!” ~ Mae West
  2. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” ~ Vince Lombardi , Funny quotes about work
  3. “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” ~ Erica Jong
  4. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas A. Edison

  5. “He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” ~ Winston Churchill
  6. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” ~ Elayne Boosler
  7. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” ~ Emo Philips
  8. “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” ~ Oscar Wilde

  9. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” ~ Oscar Wilde
  10. “If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.” ~ Doug Larson
  11. “‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?” ~ George Carlin
  12. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Isaac Asimov

  13. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” ~ Buddy Hackett
  14. “Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.” ~ Buster Keaton
  15. “Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.” ~ Thomas Huxley
  16. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple

  17. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” ~ Frank Sinatra
  18. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.'” ~ Tommy Cooper
  19. “Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.” ~ Channing Tatum , Funny quotes about life
  20. “Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” ~ Henry Ford

  21. “A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” ~ George Bernard Shaw
  22. “Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” ~ Joey Adams
  23. “Never mistake motion for action.” ~ Ernest Hemingway
  24. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” ~ Will Rogers

  25. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ~ George Carlin
  26. “For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it.” ~ Karl Lagerfeld
  27. “As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” ~ John Glenn
  28. “Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.” ~ Voltaire

  29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ~ Bob Hope
  30. “Being bored is an insult to oneself.” ~ Jules Renard
  31. “There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there.” ~ Colonel Sanders
  32. “As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.” ~ Dick Cavett

  33. “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” ~ George Burns
  34. “Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams
  35. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” ~ Robert Frost
  36. “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” ~ Albert Einstein

  37. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ~ Edmund Burke
  38. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” ~ Groucho Marx
  39. “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment” ~ Betty White
  40. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” ~ George Carlin

  41. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor , Funny quotes about marriage
  42. “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” ~ Mel Brooks
  43. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” ~ Denis Waitley
  44. “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.” ~ Sam Levenson

  45. “Happiness is good health and a bad memory.” ~ Ingrid Bergman
  46. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  47. “Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.” ~ Woody Allen
  48. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ~ Norman Wisdom

  49. “Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.” ~ H. G. Wells
  50. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ~ Albert Einstein
  51. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” ~ Mark Twain
  52. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” ~ Mark Twain

  53. “Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” ~ Carl Jung
  54. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” ~ Al McGuire , Funny quotes on life
  55. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” ~ Timothy Leary
  56. “When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight.” ~ John Major

  57. “Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” ~ Robert Orben
  58. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” ~ Steven Wright
  59. “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” ~ Tom Clancy
  60. “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” ~ Bertrand Russell

  61. “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” ~ Winston Churchill
  62. “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” ~ Jack Lemmon
  63. “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” ~ Derek Bok

  64. “Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.” ~ H. L. Mencken
  65. “Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.” ~ Irving Kristol

Comment Your Favorite Funny Quotes Below!

OM Team

We love to write about our experiences to motivate and inspire the lives of people we touch. We believe when you succeed we succeed with you.

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