65 Demetri Martin Quotes On Success In Life

Demetri Evan Martin is an American comedian, actor, director, cartoonist, and musician. He was a contributor on The Daily Show. In stand-up, he is known for his deadpan delivery, playing his guitar for jokes, and his satirical cartoons. He currently stars as Ice Bear in the Cartoon Network animated series We Bare Bears. These Demetri Martin quotes will motivate you.

Best Demetri Martin Quotes

  1. “I’m a bodybuilder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.” ~ Demetri Martin
  2. “Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.” ~ Demetri Martin
  3. “I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.” ~ Demetri Martin
  4. “I need to develop some patience – immediately.” ~ Demetri Martin
  5. “I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.” ~ Demetri Martin
  6. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” ~ Demetri Martin
  7. “There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.” ~ Demetri Martin

  8. “I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.” ~ Demetri Martin
  9. “If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.” ~ Demetri Martin
  10. “Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.” ~ Demetri Martin
  11. “I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.'” ~ Demetri Martin
  12. “The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.” ~ Demetri Martin
  13. “People only mention it’s a free country if they’re doing something shitty.” ~ Demetri Martin
  14. “‘Dammit I’m mad’ is ‘Dammit I’m mad’ spelled backwards.” ~ Demetri Martin

  15. “Sometimes if I really want to get someone’s attention, I’ll start a sentence with something like, “I’m not racist, but…” I say, “I’m not racist, but you look great today.” They say, “That wasn’t racist at all.” I said, “I know. I said I’m not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.”” ~ Demetri Martin
  16. “It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.” ~ Demetri Martin
  17. “I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.” ~ Demetri Martin
  18. “When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one-way street is that?” ~ Demetri Martin
  19. “A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.” ~ Demetri Martin

  20. “I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business.” ~ Demetri Martin
  21. “Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.” ~ Demetri Martin
  22. “If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn’t even make sense. It’s like saying, ‘I hate getting up in the morning so I do it over… and over… and over again.'” ~ Demetri Martin
  23. “Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen.” ~ Demetri Martin
  24. “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.'” ~ Demetri Martin
  25. “If you drink enough beer, everything turns into a bed.” ~ Demetri Martin

  26. “A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.” ~ Demetri Martin
  27. “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” ~ Demetri Martin
  28. “One thing you never hear is “Man that guy is good at badminton”.” ~ Demetri Martin
  29. “I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?'” ~ Demetri Martin
  30. “A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.” ~ Demetri Martin
  31. “When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.” ~ Demetri Martin
  32. “100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.” ~ Demetri Martin

  33. “The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.” ~ Demetri Martin
  34. “Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.” ~ Demetri Martin
  35. “If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.” ~ Demetri Martin
  36. “There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.” ~ Demetri Martin
  37. “For some reason, cowboy sounds better than cowman.” ~ Demetri Martin
  38. “When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.” ~ Demetri Martin
  39. “I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.” ~ Demetri Martin
  40. “Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.” ~ Demetri Martin

  41. “Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.” ~ Demetri Martin
  42. “The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.” ~ Demetri Martin
  43. “Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, ‘I’m not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.’ We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.” ~ Demetri Martin
  44. “Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.” ~ Demetri Martin

  45. “There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.” ~ Demetri Martin
  46. “I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.” ~ Demetri Martin
  47. “To remove all credibility from what you’re saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.” ~ Demetri Martin
  48. “When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.” ~ Demetri Martin
  49. “It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.” ~ Demetri Martin
  50. “I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade – especially if they’re crappy kids.'” ~ Demetri Martin
  51. “Saying, ‘I’m sorry is the same as saying, ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.” ~ Demetri Martin

  52. “If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.” ~ Demetri Martin
  53. “I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.” ~ Demetri Martin
  54. “It would be nice if people said, God, bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.” ~ Demetri Martin
  55. “You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.” ~ Demetri Martin
  56. “When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, ‘What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.’ When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, ‘He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.” ~ Demetri Martin
  57. “They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!” ~ Demetri Martin

  58. “If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.” ~ Demetri Martin
  59. “Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.” ~ Demetri Martin
  60. “Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome – that’s a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something’s going down. They’re designed for relaxation. If they’re fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, ‘This is a pillow fight ahead of time.” ~ Demetri Martin
  61. “The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.” ~ Demetri Martin
  62. “Yes” actually means “No” 100% of the time, when the question is “Can I give you some advice?” ~ Demetri Martin
  63. “Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries… They Die.” ~ Demetri Martin
  64. “My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.” ~ Demetri Martin
  65. “I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.” ~ Demetri Martin

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