60 Motivational Zach Galifianakis Quotes For Success In Life

Zach Galifianakis aka Zachary Knight Galifianakis (born October 1, 1969) is an American actor, comedian, and writer who came to prominence with his Comedy Central Presents special in 2001 and presented his own show called Late World with Zach on VH1 the following year. These inspirational Zach Galifianakis quotes are hilarious and will bring a smile to your face.

Best Zach Galifianakis Quotes

1. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
2. “You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name — and you’ve never been to that bar before.” – Zach Galifianakis
3. “The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” – Zach Galifianakis

4. “I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.” – Zach Galifianakis

5. “I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.” – Zach Galifianakis
6. “You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.” – Zach Galifianakis
7. “If you read my blog, you know I’m a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.” – Zach Galifianakis
8. “I don’t really have a pattern yet. I don’t know if I’ll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don’t have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.” – Zach Galifianakis
9. “I don’t mean to be gross, but the only time it’s good to yell “I have diarrhea” is when you’re playing Scrabble because it’s worth a shitload of points.” – Zach Galifianakis

10. “I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.” – Zach Galifianakis

11. “My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.” – Zach Galifianakis
12. “At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?” – Zach Galifianakis
13. “I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to murmur out to myself: ‘Bullshit!'” – Zach Galifianakis
14. “I have to stop crying when I watch “The View”. It’s not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.” – Zach Galifianakis
15. “It’s not good for comedy to be like, ‘Thanks for liking me’. Being popular is poison.” – Zach Galifianakis
16. “Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That’s So Raven?” – Zach Galifianakis
17. “When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.” – Zach Galifianakis
18. “I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are mean.” – Zach Galifianakis

19. “I like dark comedies. That’s why I like the Wayans Brothers.” – Zach Galifianakis

20. “Have you seen that show on CBS called ‘The Amazing Race’? Is that show about white people?” – Zach Galifianakis
21. “I was just thinking how unfortunate it’d be to be a fat girl named Candy.” – Zach Galifianakis
22. “Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.” – Zach Galifianakis
23. “I’m writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It’s called: Stop Staring at Me!” – Zach Galifianakis
24. “My forte is awkwardness.” – Zach Galifianakis
25. “My father used to beat me with his belt…while it was still on him.” – Zach Galifianakis
26. “My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing.” – Zach Galifianakis
27. “You write things that are of interest to you. There’s no focus group.” – Zach Galifianakis
28. “I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship'” – Zach Galifianakis
29. “I once walked in on my grandparents making love…And that’s why I don’t eat raisins.” – Zach Galifianakis
30. “I’m not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I’d have to go back to school or something.” – Zach Galifianakis

31. “I’m terrible at heights. I hate it. I’m glad I’m only 5’7″.” – Zach Galifianakis

32. “I call my balls the bush twins.” – Zach Galifianakis
33. “You know you’re getting fat when your socks don’t fit.” – Zach Galifianakis
34. “There was a long time where I was an “artist” in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.” – Zach Galifianakis
35. “The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says “Forever.”” – Zach Galifianakis
36. “I’ll never forget my grandmother’s last words. She said ‘What are you doing?'” – Zach Galifianakis
37. “You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don’t have to shave.” – Zach Galifianakis
38. “I kind of put myself out there as is. I’m a quiet person. I don’t know if that’s surprising. I’m a Pilates junkie.” – Zach Galifianakis
39. “Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.” – Zach Galifianakis
40. “My comfort zone is press conferences.” – Zach Galifianakis

41. “I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.” – Zach Galifianakis

42. “When a role seems fun it’s easy to play. It kind of comes organically.” – Zach Galifianakis
43. “I don’t want to do an edgy show, I didn’t want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.” – Zach Galifianakis
44. “I’m Greek. My body produces feta cheese.” – Zach Galifianakis
45. “Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.” – Zach Galifianakis
46. “I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it’s a little protective.” – Zach Galifianakis
47. “My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.” – Zach Galifianakis
48. “American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.” – Zach Galifianakis
49. “I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.” – Zach Galifianakis
50. “Tigers love pepper…they hate cinnamon.” – Zach Galifianakis
51. “Don’t boo people! Don’t boo! Be more specific! Like, ‘WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'” – Zach Galifianakis

52. “If you see something, say something.” – Zach Galifianakis

53. “Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.” – Zach Galifianakis
54. “I don’t know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.” – Zach Galifianakis
55. “I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .” – Zach Galifianakis
56. “Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes… with salad tongs.” – Zach Galifianakis
57. “I don’t want my personal life to change. I don’t understand why people strive for fame. I know it’s ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.” – Zach Galifianakis, Zach Galifianakis quotes on life
58. “When you’re doing standup you’re kind of doing, “Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.” – Zach Galifianakis
59. “Hookers don’t like to snuggle.” – Zach Galifianakis

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