65 Steven Wright Quotes On Success In Life

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, nonsequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. This Steven Wright quotes will motivate you.

Best Steven Wright Quotes

  1. “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?” ~ Steven Wright
  2. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese” ~ Steven Wright
  3. “How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?” ~ Steven Wright
  4. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?” ~ Steven Wright
  5. “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ~ Steven Wright
  6. “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.” ~ Steven Wright

  7. “always remember your unique, just like everyone else” ~ Steven Wright
  8. “Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.” ~ Steven Wright
  9. “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?” ~ Steven Wright
  10. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” ~ Steven Wright
  11. “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.” ~ Steven Wright
  12. “Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?” ~ Steven Wright

  13. “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.” ~ Steven Wright
  14. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” ~ Steven Wright
  15. “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?” ~ Steven Wright
  16. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” ~ Steven Wright
  17. “I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.” ~ Steven Wright

  18. “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?” ~ Steven Wright
  19. “Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?” ~ Steven Wright
  20. “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” ~ Steven Wright
  21. “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Steven Wright
  22. “If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?” ~ Steven Wright
  23. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” ~ Steven Wright
  24. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” ~ Steven Wright

  25. “The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.” ~ Steven Wright
  26. “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” ~ Steven Wright
  27. “Consciousness: That annoying time between naps” ~ Steven Wright
  28. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” ~ Steven Wright
  29. “If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?” ~ Steven Wright
  30. “Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?” ~ Steven Wright

  31. “I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?” ~ Steven Wright
  32. “Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?” ~ Steven Wright
  33. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” ~ Steven Wright
  34. “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.” ~ Steven Wright
  35. “If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?” ~ Steven Wrigh

  36. “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read” ~ Steven Wright quotes
  37. “When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.” ~ Steven Wright
  38. “Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.” ~ Steven Wright
  39. “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.” ~ Steven Wright
  40. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” ~ Steven Wright

  41. “How do you get off a non-stop flight?” ~ Steven Wright
  42. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” ~ Steven Wright
  43. “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” ~ Steven Wright
  44. “I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.” ~ Steven Wright
  45. “Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?” ~ Steven Wright
  46. “If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?” ~ Steven Wright

  47. “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.” ~ Steven Wright
  48. “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat” ~ Steven Wright
  49. “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?” ~ Steven Wright
  50. “In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out'” ~ Steven Wright
  51. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” ~ Steven Wright

  52. “I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.” ~ Steven Wright
  53. “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?” ~ Steven Wright
  54. “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?” ~ Steven Wright
  55. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” ~ Steven Wright
  56. “Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?” ~ Steven Wright
  57. “How come abbreviated is such a long word?” ~ Steven Wright
  58. “Half the people you know are below average.” ~ Steven Wright

  59. “You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.” ~ Steven Wright
  60. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” ~ Steven Wright
  61. “I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!” ~ Steven Wright
  62. “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?” ~ Steven Wright
  63. “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?” ~ Steven Wright
  64. “Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.” ~ Steven Wright

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