66 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes On Success In Life

Jack Roy popularly known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician, and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase “I get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme. These Rodney Dangerfield quotes will motivate you.

Best Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

  1. “You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  2. “I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  3. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  4. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  5. “My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  6. “I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  7. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  8. “Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck.” Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  9. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  10. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  11. “A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn’t eaten in four days. I told him, “Man, I wish I had your willpower.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  12. “I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
    rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good
    at fractions.'” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  13. “The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  14. “Last week I told my psychiatrist, ‘I keep thinking about suicide’, and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  15. “Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  16. “I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  17. “My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  18. “My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  19. “We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  20. “It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield, Rodney Dangerfield quotes on no respect
  21. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  22. “When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  23. “A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  24. “Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find them?’ He answered, ‘I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  25. “Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  26. “I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  27. “My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  28. “I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  29. “My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  30. “I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  31. “What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  32. “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  33. “With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  34. “Don’t talk about yourself so much…we’ll do that when you leave.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  35. “My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  36. “Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  37. “I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  38. “I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  39. “Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  40. “I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  41. “With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  42. “Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield, Rodney Dangerfield quotes on birthday
  43. “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  44. “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  45. “What a childhood I had – I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  46. “Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  47. “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  48. “I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  49. “One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  50. “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  51. “We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood, the rainbow was in black-and-white.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  52. “I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  53. “Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  54. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  55. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  56. “I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mousetrap.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  57. “It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  58. “I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house…so he moved.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  59. “I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  60. “For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls-eye on the back.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  61. “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  62. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  63. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  64. “The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  65. “A hooker once told me she had a headache.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  66. “I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

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