65 Milton Berle Quotes On Success In Life

Milton Berle was an American comedian and actor. Berle’s career as an entertainer spanned over 80 years, first in silent films and on stage as a child actor, then in radio, movies, and television. As the host of NBC’s Texaco Star Theatre (1948–1955), he was the first major American television star and was known to millions of viewers as “Uncle Miltie” and “Mr. Television” during the first Golden Age of Television. He was honored with two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his work in both radio and TV. This Milton Berle quotes will motivate you.

Best Milton Berle Quotes

  1. “The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” ~ Milton Berle
  2. “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” ~ Milton Berle
  3. “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” ~ Milton Berle
  4. “My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.” ~ Milton Berle
  5. “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” ~ Milton Berle
  6. “You’re aging when your actions creak louder than your words.” ~ Milton Berle
  7. “Laughter is an instant vacation.” ~ Milton Berle

  8. “I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” ~ Milton Berle
  9. “Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.” ~ Milton Berle
  10. “This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!” ~ Milton Berle
  11. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” ~ Milton Berle

  12. “Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man’s side?” ~ Milton Berle
  13. “Money can’t buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.” ~ Milton Berle
  14. “Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand – and they feel glorious.” ~ Milton Berle
  15. “A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!” ~ Milton Berle
  16. “In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.” ~ Milton Berle
  17. “We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.” ~ Milton Berle
  18. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” ~ Milton Berle

  19. “Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs–is that a promise or a threat?” ~ Milton Berle
  20. “Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.” ~ Milton Berle
  21. “All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.” ~ Milton Berle
  22. “Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.” ~ Milton Berle
  23. “A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”” ~ Milton Berle
  24. “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” ~ Milton Berle

  25. “Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.” ~ Milton Berle
  26. “They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.” ~ Milton Berle
  27. “At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there’s never one around.” ~ Milton Berle
  28. “I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.” ~ Milton Berle
  29. “Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.” ~ Milton Berle
  30. “I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they’re lost.” ~ Milton Berle
  31. “I can’t tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.” ~ Milton Berle
  32. “I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.” ~ Milton Berle

  33. “There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” ~ Milton Berle
  34. “When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, “I wish he was my kid for one day!”” ~ Milton Berle
  35. “It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.” ~ Milton Berle
  36. “Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.” ~ Milton Berle
  37. “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door, but only as long as it’s not visible from the street.” ~ Milton Berle

  38. “I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.” ~ Milton Berle
  39. “It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.” ~ Milton Berle
  40. “Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: “The Ferrari is paid for,” “The mortgage is assumable,” and “It’s just a cold sore!” ~ Milton Berle
  41. “My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.” ~ Milton Berle
  42. “They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.” ~ Milton Berle
  43. “This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”” ~ Milton Berle
  44. “The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.” ~ Milton Berle

  45. “He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.” ~ Milton Berle
  46. “Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.” ~ Milton Berle
  47. “My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.” ~ Milton Berle Quotes
  48. “I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.” ~ Milton Berle
  49. “Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it’s the kids who have to do all the work.” ~ Milton Berle
  50. “A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers I make a nice living.” ~ Milton Berle
  51. “For every student with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.” ~ Milton Berle
  52. “Jews don’t drink much because it interferes with their suffering.” ~ Milton Berle

  53. “I don’t worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won’t know how.” ~ Milton Berle
  54. “The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.” ~ Milton Berle
  55. “Who says we didn’t have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together” ~ Milton Berle
  56. “Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?” ~ Milton Berle

  57. “You look like a normal person if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.” ~ Milton Berle
  58. “Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list” ~ Milton Berle
  59. “Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.” ~ Milton Berle
  60. “A thing of beauty is a job forever.” ~ Milton Berle
  61. “Laughter is the best medicine in the world.” ~ Milton Berle

  62. “The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.” ~ Milton Berle
  63. “One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?” ~ Milton Berle
  64. “Talk about cheap – on Christmas Eve, my neighbor shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.” ~ Milton Berle
  65. “My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?” ~ Milton Berle

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