65 Funny Relationship Quotes On Success In Life

These funny relationship quotes will inspire you. Relationships should be healthy, happy which makes life more interesting.

Below you will find a collection of motivating, happy, and encouraging funny relationship quotes, funny relationship sayings, and funny relationship proverbs.

Best Funny Relationship Quotes

  1. “Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” ~ Leo Buscaglia
  2. “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” ~ Robert Bloch
  3. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” ~ Albert Einstein
  4. “Treasure each other in the recognition that we do not know how long we shall have each other.” ~ Joshua L. Liebman

  5. “Relationships are like farting, If you push too hard things could get messy real fast.” ~ Kevin Hart
  6. “People change and forget to tell each other.” ~ Lillian Hellman
  7. “Be honest, brutally honest. That is what’s going to maintain relationships.” ~ Lauryn Hill
  8. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

  9. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” ~ Chris Rock
  10. “Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason” ~ Mason Cooley
  11. “Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.” ~ Oscar Wilde
  12. “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” ~ Mark Twain

  13. “Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” ~ Bill Cosby
  14. “According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.” ~ Jay Leno
  15. “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” ~ George Eliot
  16. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” ~ Erma Bombeck

  17. “To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.” ~ Cary Grant
  18. “Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ~ Marcel Proust
  19. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” ~ Henny Youngman
  20. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” ~ Lily Tomlin

  21. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” ~ Groucho Marx
  22. “Men feel that women somehow drag them down, and women feel that way about men. It’s possible that both are right.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin
  23. “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” ~ Nora Ephron
  24. “You’re 40 and he’s 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn’t you just adopt him?” ~ Ann Dunham

  25. “The wedding is where two people become one. The marriage is where they decide which one.” ~ Robert Breault
  26. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” ~ Natalie Wood
  27. “I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  28. “I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

  29. “When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.” ~ Frederick Bushnell
  30. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” ~ Mae West
  31. “Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable.” ~ Cher
  32. “If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.” ~ Regina Brett

  33. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.” ~ Joan Rivers
  34. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” ~ Groucho Marx
  35. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” ~ Joan Rivers
  36. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” ~ George Carlin

  37. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” ~ Helen Rowland
  38. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” ~ Lily Tomlin
  39. “A woman’s flattery may inflate a man’s head a little, but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her.” ~ Helen Rowland
  40. “If you really love one another, you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices.” ~ Mother Teresa

  41. “What you call flaws are really just scars and wounds accumulated over a lifetime.” ~ Deepak Chopra
  42. “A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.” ~ Cher
  43. “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” ~ Steve Martin
  44. “I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom, or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.” ~ Daniel Handler

  45. “I don’t mind my wife having to last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she reaches it.” ~ Walter Matthau
  46. “Guys are like dogs. They keep comin’ back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they’re gone.” ~ Lenny Bruce
  47. “What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.” ~ Mike Birbiglia
  48. “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.” ~ Hector Berlioz

  49. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” ~ Jack Benny
  50. “I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.” ~ Jay McInerney
  51. “Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.” ~ Dave Attell
  52. “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” ~ Henry Winkler

  53. “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” ~ Oscar Wilde
  54. “Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.” ~ Helen Rowland
  55. “To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.” ~ John Gray
  56. “I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.” ~ Will Rogers

  57. “A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” ~ Lucille Ball
  58. “I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'” ~ Richard Jeni
  59. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  60. “Love does not cause suffering: what causes it is the sense of ownership, which is love’s opposite.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

  61. “However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the “right” person because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside.” ~ Deepak Chopra
  62. “I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change.” ~ Somaly Mam
  63. “A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

  64. “Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. And don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut
  65. “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” ~ Thomas Merton

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